The Grief Of Chronic Pain

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpAiP5VPnhg

For all my fellow women dealing with chronic pain, pelvic pain, endometriosis, IBS and any other chronic symptom.

Grief

Have you ever lost someone close to you? Or, lost something that meant so much to you? 

You feel as if your world (as you know it) has been shaken as what once was, no longer is.

When your health is stripped away, it leaves you vulnerable. 

Vulnerable to the lies that somehow you deserved this, or that you must’ve messed up somehow and now you’re all alone.

Chronic pain is a poison that robs you of your peace, your identity and of your hopes and dreams for the future. It’s more than just physical pain. It’s emotional, and it cuts deep. 

My chronic digestive issues since childhood and chronic pelvic pain since 2007 has changed my life and changed me. I never imagined my life to go the way that it has. Does one ever imagine that physical pain, sickness, countless doctors appointments, tests, surgery, being gaslit, etc. would be part of their life story?

Getting Ready For My Surgery

I’ve gone way to many years gaslighting myself and downplaying something that has impacted my life to the degree that who I am at my core has now been shaken. 

For so many years I would dismiss my symptoms, my bloat, fatigue, digestive pain, bowel problems and eventual pelvic pain with comments like:

“Oh, it’s not too bad”

“I’m sure it’ll be better tomorrow”

“I’ve always struggled with digestion so I probably just need to avoid another food”

For whatever reason, I felt the need to downplay how I was really doing because I didn’t want to be “that person” or use my symptoms to “get out of things.”  I found myself apologizing for my symptoms, pretending I was okay because I didn’t want to be treated differently, acting like I was fine because I didn’t want to miss out or have people thinking I was “making it up.”  After all, I look fine on the outside and “you don’t look sick?”

Writing this now, I see how all these years of living this way has taken a massive toll on me. Fearing the response of others, while valid, is not a healthy way to live. 

Sadly, not everyone will understand. People may make comments that aren’t thoughtful. People likely will judge you. However, you are not responsible for how someone else feels about your sickness or chronic pain. 

I “managed” my health as best I could until 2021 when I knew deep down inside that something wasn’t right.  My pelvic pain was getting worse and nothing was relieving it. After years of going to doctor after doctor, I finally had excision surgery on December 11/2025 to find out that all my pelvic organs were adhered today. Severe adhesions were the cause of my pain and it wasn’t “all in my head” or “just IBS.”  In all honesty, I think I am still in shock and processing the news as being dismissed for so long (and dismissing myself too) has caused such a disconnect between me and my body. 

There is a grief that comes from all the years that could have or should have been different for me. If I had been taken seriously and believed sooner, perhaps I would have had less years of suffering. The tears have been coming a lot since my surgery and when I’m in a safe place I let them fall. 

I grieve the health I didn’t fully have in my 20’s.

I grieve the loss of dreams I was unable to pursue because I wasn’t feeling good. 

I grieve all the times I cancelled plans or stayed home because I was in pain. 

I grieve all the times I was at home crying and praying for pain relief when I could have been out with friends enjoying life.

I grieve for the life I always envisioned that didn’t happen.

I grieve for my body & what it’s been through. 

How does one quickly move on from this sort of thing?  They cannot.

How does one process all of this?

I can let bitterness and sorrow flood my soul, but I choose instead to live with joy and hopeful expectancy of a future that is going to be full of beautiful memories. 

Even though my body currently doesn’t feel as good as I would like, I will believe and hold on to hope that I will feel better as my body heals over time. 

It is the emotional pain that is worse than the physical pain. 

The heart requires a bit more TLC. 

Perhaps this is the first time in my life that I am actually giving myself permission to sit with my feelings and let them flow. 

Healing is truly a journey. 

For all the women out there with chronic pelvic pain, endometriosis, adhesions and any other chronic symptoms, I want you to know that great good and beauty can come out of your darkest moments. 

You can shine in the midst of your pain.

You can radiate joy in the midst of your pain.

You can give and receive love in the midst of your pain.

You are beautiful despite your scars.

Keep fighting for yourself because you’re worth it.

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Much love,

Orisha